Those who wander

My schizofrenic dark and twisted inner dialogues

2012-02-05T03:53:00.001+01:00

"Haven't seen you here in a while"

"Yup, I haven't been here in a while"

"Welcome back"

"Im not staying"

"Why are u back then?"

"Beats the shit out of me, but I am"

"Did anything happen that made you come her?"

"Did it ever?"

"No. I thought you might had grown or changed"

"I thought I did too"

"But you didn't?"

"Well, I'm here aren't I?"

"I guess you are"

"Hey, am I really this messed up?"

"You're here talking to me at 4 am for the third time this week,

you do the math"

"Can't argue with that, I guess"

"So what now?"

"I was hoping you could tell me"

"Have i ever?"

"No you haven't."

"Are you staying for a long time?"

"Have I before?"

"Yes you have, quite a few times actually"

"Well, I'm not this time. I've seen what it's like out there."

"Will you be back?"

"NO."

"Will you be back?"

"I hope not"

"See you soon."

"I guess so.."

Happiness travels

2012-01-25T22:38:00.002+01:00

I've been alone a lot the past year

Somehow drowning in your own misery is easier when there aren't other people around.

By being alone and doing things alone which most people do in pairs or groups,

I've come to realise how much our happiness actually depends on other people

without us realising this

It's a pretty tough thing to learn, to be happy by yourself.
To be the one that makes you wake up with a smile every day.
(I'm actually not a morning person but you get my point)

After all, if you aren't happy yourself,

you can't expect to make others happy or be happy with others right?

So I've gotten to a point where i am seriously happy

and no one is responsible for this happiness but myself.

Which makes me proud of myself beyond imaginable.

Anyway, after visiting 7 countries by myself this year, being completely happy,
íts time to share my happiness with the ones closest to me.

So tomorrow I am leaving for Madrid with the two most amazing and important people in my life.

IT'S TIME TO SPREAD MY HAPPINESS

To my mommy and big sister,

I love you.

Dead poet's society

2012-01-22T16:29:00.000+01:00

We don't read and write poetry because it's cute.

We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race

And the human race is full of passion

And medicine, law, business, engineering;

these are noble pursuits and neccessary to sustain life

But poetry, beauty, romance, love;

these are what we stay alive for
"

Posner

2012-01-22T15:09:00.000+01:00

Ahh I liked this song before,

but the acoustic version made me love it.

Plus it kinda helps that this guy is not that bad on the eye either..

I have to say, instinctually, no.

2012-01-19T11:48:00.004+01:00

FUNNY

How this thing called 'instinct' works.

Paradise

2012-01-18T14:19:00.001+01:00

When she was just a girl, she expected the world.

But it flew away from her reach, so she ran away in her sleep

and dreamed of Paradise

When she was just a girl, she expected the world

But it flew away from her reach, and the bullet catch in her teeth

Life goes on, it gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly, every tear a waterfall

In the night, the stormy night, she'd close her eyes.

In the night, the stormy night,

Away she'd fly

and so lying underneath those stormy skies she'd say:

"Oh, I know the sun must set to rise"

So she closed her eyes, and dreamed of Paradise..

-- Coldplay - Paradise

Single experience #426

2012-01-17T16:51:00.000+01:00

A CON OF BEING SINGLE

Having the question:

"Am I as fat as her?!"

"Is she prettier than me?!"

And having no one to give you an unrealistic answer

Single since 1 year, 2 months, 18 days.

But hey, who's counting?!

Have to say though, I'm starting to kinda dig this 'single' shit..

Runaway passion

2011-12-26T00:36:00.000+01:00

January 2011, I started my year off in Lisbon and London,
I visited New York and Toronto in May, Eifel in the summer,
Hull, Dubai, Singapore, Kuala Lumpur in October/November

Now I'm ending my 2011, starting 2012

in BERLIN

with a trip planned to Rome somewhere in January,
China in may and Barcelona and/or Paris somewhere in between..

MIGHT I HAVE FOUND MY PASSION?

Or am I just running in hopes of leaving shit behind me?

Whichever way, I'm having a blast.

Have a good one.

Love, Behnaz

Watched the Victoria's Secret show last night..

2011-12-16T00:18:00.004+01:00

They make me never want to eat again.

EVER

P.S. Guess who's joining the gym tomorrow..

Next time..

2011-12-14T12:23:00.001+01:00

NEXT TIME I will be braver

I will be my own saviour

When the thunder calls for me

NEXT TIME I will be braver

I will be my own saviour

Standing on my own two feet.

I won't let you close enough to hurt me..

-- [[Adelle - Turning tables]]

December 10: International day of Human Rights

2011-12-10T00:13:00.001+01:00

This one is for all the heroes out there.

THE REBELS

The malcolm X-es, amongst us. The Mahatma Gandhi's,

the Louis Xiaobo's, the Martin Luther King's and the Mother Theresa's.

THE REVOLUTIONAIRIES

The ones who dare to ask and to act up.

Knowingly risking sacrificing their lives in order to make even the slightest change for the world.

The ones who in a world where freedom is outlawed, become the heroes.

Don't we all have that bit of a hero in us?

What is keeping us from letting this hero in us be the person we are?

Is it the road to succes? Is it the greed for money?

Or perhaps the lack of this, that comes with being a hero?

In the past year this has been rambling through my mind.

I have wondered: How much is there we can do?

How much is there that I can do? Will it have any effect?

Maybe not all of us have it in them to be next Gandhi, but the least we can do is to

be the voice of those who don't have one

The one thing that I have learned is that awareness will get you halfway there.

Knowledge is power right? So spreading awareness would mean that you spread this knowledge

and give people the power to be a hero in whichever way they can. But is this it?

When all is said and done, have we done or said enough?

I have had the honor to have met a hero and have this person in my life for a while.

Someone who has made me go through the biggest development in my life

and made me stand for something that matters more than anything ever will.

Someone of whom I am definite will make a change in this world

and has taught me the most important thing I have ever learned:

That everyone has it in them to become a hero and make a change in whichever way.

The only person who stops you or holds you back from being a hero, are you, yourself.

WE ALL DIE

but I have learned that the goal is not to live forever,

it is to create something that does.

Dreamer is the name, enchanté!

2011-12-03T00:39:00.001+01:00

I was never the most focused person and ever since I was little

I have been confronted with this a gazillion times.

I’ve heard it from teachers, from friends, from whoever came across my path.

I always skip from one story to the other and somewhere in the middle

I just lose track of what the subject was to begin with..

I AM LOST.

I AM NOTHING BUT A DREAMER.

My future and life plans change every three days

and, with that, so does my passion

Which probably isn’t a even a passion, because

I guess that would mean you would have to want

to DIE for that one thing at least for a month right?

Yeah, it usually passes within three days in my case..

DOES THAT MAKE ME LOST?

I AM JUST A DREAMER.

I have always envied people who had a passion for something and sticked to it.
Something that would drive them to limits and beyond.
Something that would describe them as a person in one simple word.

Dancing, literature,

traveling, football, cooking, whatever!

Something to excelerate in, over and over again.

WHAT ABOUT ME?
LOST BETWEEN MY DREAMS AND REALITY.
AM I REALLY JUST A DREAMER?

I’m neither a dancer , a writer nor a cook.

Don’t get me wrong, I find joy in pretty much everything I do,

there just isn’t anything that I focus on and live for.

This has frustrated me to the point that I have been incredibly lost
and I have been forcing so called cliché passions down my own throat.
Untill a while ago, I came across the following:

“If you want to know where your heart is,

look to where your mind goes when it wanders”

And it struck me, my mind goes EVERYWHERE,
but that doesn’t make me a ‘no one’ nor does it make me lost.
IT MAKES ME A DREAMER

I AM a dreamer,

and that is what I am.

That is what describes me.

I am NOT lost.

I have learned to live for ‘living’ itself.

For happiness and for joy.

Which, I have realised, is something only fewer people can do.

I have come to terms with the fact that I find these things

in my everyday life instead of in one certain thing.

BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I AM.

I AM A DREAMER.

Caught between reality and my dreams
I guess it’s just important to actually do something with these dreams
which will help me be the best person I can be
and to someday be able to look back at my life and see that I have actually lived.
LIVED AS A DREAMER.
FOUND MYSELF IN A MILLION DREAMS.
AND NEVER GOT LOST.

But until then,

I will just keep on wandering and dreaming,

because after all..

Not all those who wander are lost..

Yes. Yes, we all have one of those moments every now and then..

2011-12-02T23:17:00.004+01:00

But..

WAIT, WHAT NOW?!

Who's back?

2011-11-30T21:56:00.015+01:00

As corny as I am: Yes, I am actually going to say it.

"GUESS WHO'S BACK?!"

Yes, I said it, you heard me.

One year later.. Wait.. Just.. Let me rephrase that..

A WHOLE LOT off bullshit later, I'm back.

Having made some huge changes in life,
huge changes in my view on life,
this world and my principles.
I've got stories to tell baby!

So yeah.. That's pretty much it.

I'M BACK.

Love, Behnaz

21 years ago....

2011-04-08T18:35:00.002+02:00

When I look back on this exact date a year ago I realise
how awfull lot has changed in my life these past 12 months.
Let's just hope it has all been for the better.
And let's just secretly hope that some things will change back..

Love,

A 21year old Behnaz.

I weird you (L)

2011-02-17T22:53:00.002+01:00

We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird

and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours,

we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it Love.

HEROES

2011-02-06T12:48:00.004+01:00

IN A WORLD WHERE FREEDOM IS OUTLAWED

OUTLAWS WILL BECOME HEROES

Egypt

Iran

Tunis

Fairytales and the Devil

2011-01-04T16:13:00.001+01:00

I believe that fairytales are stories,

written by the devil to give us hopes and dreams.

Just to make our lifes a living hell.

Xx Behnaz

Merry F-ing Christmas

2010-12-25T02:14:00.005+01:00

I HATE the FORCED happy, happy, jolly feeling/atmosphere around Christmas.

It might be because I'm not in the best mood possible this year,

and I am just counting down the days because I can't wait for this fucking sucky year to be over.

But it's probably because this time of the year I just can't tell if people are genuinely happy,

or are just forcing their fake ass Christmas spirit down your throat.

So I thought we could all use a little gloominess!

I know I do..

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Oh and thank you all for reading my blog.

I appreciate it, I really do. (:

Love, Behnaz

P.S. Keep your jolly ass spirit out of my Goddamn face

Click

2010-12-16T21:56:00.006+01:00

(I love this picture to pieces)

Have you ever looked at a picture of yourself and see a stranger in the background?

It makes you wonder how many strangers have pictures of you..

How many moments of other people’s lives have we been in?
Were we a part of someone’s life when their dream came true?
Or were we there when their dream died?

Did we keep trying to get in?
As if we were destined to be there?
Or did the shot take us by surprise?

Just think,
you could be a big part of someone else’s life
and not even know it..

Lets economize

2010-12-12T10:41:00.002+01:00

With me being jobless and spending money like crazy,

I've kinda made myself take an oath.

I have to, I repeat, HAVE TO stop spending money on things that seriously don't need to be bought..

I loooove love to cook and keep myself busy with it every day. And when I do, I want the best of the best. Best quality, fresh food etc.

And let me tell you, that shit is EXPENSIVE.

Other than that, E-shopping has made my life so much easier, but saving so much harder. Don't get me started on Paypal.. Ooooh Paypal my love who makes everything just that bit of extra easy for me..

So, I'm banning myself from spending money like this.

I pledge not to spend any money (except bills etc ofcourse) untill the 20th of January.

Signed,

Behnaz

"You create your own fears"

2010-11-20T23:10:00.016+01:00

"I went to this show the other day at Boom Chicago in Amsterdam called “Your worst fears”.
Here they kept asking what ones fear could be. Kinda made me think about mine.

Due to some.. Uhmmm let’s just call it ‘unpleasant events’

I’ve been forced to face my fears (and still am, mind you)..
I think nowadays people are cowards, too scared to face any fear, let alone defeat them.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m the world’s biggest coward. I truly am.

I’m just doing the best I can and with that said,
I can say that I have managed to acknowledge them, some of them.

I think that our fears shouldn’t be something we should be ashamed of,

I’m not saying we should be proud of them,

but it’s just that we share a lot of our fears, without even knowing,

cause everyone is just too damn busy feeding their pride.

I for one am not. Not anymore though.

I have my flaws, I have my fears,
and I’m scared to death that one day I might have to face them.
I’m just refusing to be ashamed of them any longer.

Just like a lot of other woman, I’m afraid of becoming fat,
losing the figure I’m not even happy about to begin with.
Hell yes I climb the scale every morning, checking the screen with one clenched eye and trembling knees.

SO WHAT?

Hell yes I’m afraid of death. Not for dying, but for leaving/hurting those who care.
And even more, I am afraid of losing them. Afraid of loss in every other way. Losing my daily routine, losing every simple thing that makes my day my day.

Am I the only one out there?

Or am I just the only one admitting?

I’m afraid of one day losing my health, losing my eyesight, losing my hearing.

I’m afraid of failing, not being good enough. Not being good enough to accomplish anything, not being good enough to be accepted.

Is this weird? Don’t we all have an urge to succeed in life?

Doesn’t this urge feed itself with our insecurities and fear of failing? So, is it a bad thing? Should I fear my fear of failing, or should I embrace it as a motivation factor?

I’m afraid of pain, afraid of boredom, afraid of losing control.

YOU NAME IT, IT'S ON MY LIST!

Most of all I am afraid of being alone. Not just for now, but I have this excruciating fear of going through life alone, dying alone. Loneliness: I get chills down my spine every time the thought of it rushes through my mind.

I am faced with a lot of my fears right now, not by choice, but I am.

But I’ll be oke. Right now it feels like I never will. But I will, sooner or later, I will.

And when that day comes,
I can proudly say that I have at least ~~acknowledged, faced and defeated~~ some of my own fears and insecurities.

Xx anything but FEARLESS Behnaz

The town

2010-11-19T21:45:00.003+01:00

"No mather how much you change,

You will always pay for the past"

-- Ben Affleck's The town [2010]

I love this movie:

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I will see you again,

this side or the other.

'Never have I heard anything more devine..'

2010-11-11T20:53:00.005+01:00

'What if a demon were to creep after you one night,

in your loneliest loneliness, and say,

'This life which you live must be lived by you once again
and innumerable times more;
and every pain and joy and thought and sigh must come again to you,
all in the same sequence.
The eternal hourglass will again and again be turned
and you with it, dust of the dust!'

Would you throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse that demon?

Or would you answer,

‘Never have I heard anything more divine..'

- Friedrich Nietzche

Un clou chasse l'autre

2010-11-07T23:18:00.031+01:00

Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone.

It isn't just death we have to grieve,

it's life, It's loss, It's change.

When we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes,
why it has to hurt so bad, the thing we have to try to remember is that it can turn after time.

That's how you stay alive.
When it hurts so much you can't breathe,

THAT'S HOW YOU SURVIVE

By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly,
you won't feel this way, it won't hurt this much.

Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way.

So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty.

The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can't control it.

The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes,

and let it go when we can.

The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it,

it starts all over again and always, every time,

it takes your breath away.

What's cooking, good looking?!

2010-10-26T16:47:00.018+02:00

I have two weeks off of school, to be precise, I have 16 days off of school..
More than enough time to develop a huge obsession with cooking.
I have always, and I really mean ALWAYS loved cooking and baking,
cause as Nigella Lawson says:

'I STILL BELIEVE THE KITCHEN
IS NOT A PLACE YOU ESCAPE FROM,
BUT A PLACE YOU ESCAPE TO'

You know, it really is. Cause even if nothing goes as you wish it would,

either the weather sucks, youre overloaded with homework, your grades suck,

relationship issues, nagging parents or anything worse, at the end of the day

you come home, start cooking and smell the comfort of beef wine stew,

a nice pasta or a delicious cake you know that

everything will be just fine.

Oh and I just mentioned Nigella Lawson, uhmm she's kinda to blame for my obsession. I downloaded every show ever aired starring her, and am collecting her (annoyingly expensive) books. What can I say; the woman is a true goddess..

Off to make a lovely lovely Red wine beef carrot stew with Crostinis.

XXXXXXX

Soon-to-be-fat Behnaz

The ugly truth

2010-10-07T10:27:00.010+02:00

Mike: Yeah, it is scary. It’s terrifying.
Especially when I’m in love with a psycho like you.

Abby: I am not a psycho!

Mike: I just told you that I loved you,
and all you heard was “psycho”.
You’re the definition of neurotic!

Abby: No! The definition of neurotic is a person
who suffers from anxiety, obsessive thoughts,
compulsive acts, and, and physical ailments
without any objective evidence of...

Mike: Shut up. Yet again,
I just told you I’m in love with you and you’re
standing here giving me a vocabulary lesson.

Abby: …You’re in love with me. Why?

Mike: Beats the shit out of me. But I am.

—The Ugly Truth (2009)

Pet cemetery

2010-09-04T02:15:00.001+02:00

I hear everyone naggin onnn and onnnnn about how the winter is arriving and the summer is leaving us.. I for one am proudly prepared for the winter. As I see on the internet, there are a LOT of people who keep themselves busy with anti-fur protests etc. Come ooooooooon, you want to do good?! Do good for humans beings, for people. There is so much you can do, you can even start in your own environment. PLEASE CUT THE CRAP about fur! The funny part is: it's usually the hippie environment-junkies who want the best for the environment and nature etc etc. Well NEWSFLASH, fur is a natural product and is biodegradable. So it beats the hell out of synthetic stuff and you can not seriously tell me to wear cotton in the winter..

Soooo with that said,

(preparing you and giving arguments to prove that I'm not evil, I just like to be warm in the winter)

I for one am prepared ass hell with 2 fur hats, about 5 fur shawls and a newly obtained all-over fur jacket.

BRING IT ON SIBERIAN WINTERRRRRRRRRR!

Kissy kissy, cuddle cuddle, B.

Loner

2010-08-28T15:07:00.021+02:00

Monday, 30th of August, first day of school, of a new year, a new class.

For those who know me, know I'm kind of a loner. No friends to call when needed, or anything of that kind. Now this might sound kinda sad, but

it's actually not.

I've had people around me who wanted to be friends, who tried to be friends, people who call me to do something togheter, who call me just so see how I'm doing.. My problem here is that I'm the laziest person alive. Too lazy to maintain relationships, to pick up the phone, text back, call back, actually pick a date, let alone go out with someone.

Now my lazyness has cought up with me.

I am realising I get bored alone. I never needed anyone to make me feel good or to have fun with.
Ofcourse there is the BF, but he's got a life of his own, so why shouldn't I?
Sooo what going to happen next, is that I might give this 'friendship' thingy a try..
And seeing there are no 'datingsites' for friendship, this might get harder than I thought.

Sooo now I'm lowering my standards and I'll do my best not to let everything and everyone annoy me,
and I might end up gettin me some friends.

If anyone is volunteering, this might save me some time..

Oke, thank you bye.

Put it where the sun don't shine

2010-05-19T20:49:00.006+02:00

What the fuck's a marriage?

Who started the idea of getting married

Did it once start as an excuse to have a big ass party?

Why make a promise which you're eventually bound to break?
Why put so much effort, sweat, tears, love, joy, happiness, unhappiness, pain, laughter etc. into building a life together if you're going to give up when times get rough?
To do what? To die alone as some old little cat lady or a bitterd old man?

Well, I guess if things don't work, they just won't.
I just think that you should've thought of that before making the biggest promise of a lifetime.

All I know is that I stopped believing in some bullshit called 'marriage'.
I used to dream about the perfect marriage with the perfect person, living the perfect life.
I used to believe that it sealed your love with a promise and the comfort of knowing you will never be alone again.
Stopped believing that crap though. Fuck marriage. If you love each other, you do.
And if you don't you atleast know that the possibility of breaking up has always been there.

Sooooo to hell with 'getting married'. Apparently all relationsships have their expirationdate, so why the HELL get married? We're probably all doomed to live an unhappily ever after or to die alone.

Just haven't figured out which ones worse..

You fail at failing

2010-05-18T19:09:00.004+02:00

And no, that is NOT a double negative..

Worries

2010-03-08T19:36:00.015+01:00

"Don't worry,

everything will be fine."

Fine doesn't do it for me.

Just want to leave, disappear and be left alone.

And guess what;

You dont need magic to disappear,
all you need is a destination..

"Don't worry,

everything is going to be
fucking amazing."

Now thats better..

Superman

2010-02-06T23:39:00.018+01:00

.... and in case you were wondering:

you are like a hurricane to me.

Your violence is beautiful

and your center sweet

.. and in case you were wondering:

You are everything to me..

Change?

2009-12-06T21:14:00.006+01:00

It's funny how day by day nothing changes,
but after a while when you look back,

Everything is different..

<3

2009-11-10T17:51:00.014+01:00

Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, or bends with the remover to remove. O, no! It is an ever-fixed mark, that looks on tempests and is never shaken. It is the star to every wandering bark, whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

-- By William Shakespeare.

Where are you?

2009-11-09T22:59:00.054+01:00

Hellooooo?
Are you out there?!
In need of some attention over heeeere!
Are you hearing me?!
Where are you?

I cant reach you.
I need you.
I'm losing you,
You're kinda slipping away..

Oh look, there you finally are!

Where were you?! I've missed you!

Owh, you're leaving?
So soon?
But wait, when will i see you again..?

Hello?

You left, again.
Im losing you, again.
Missing you, again.

Alone, again.